And then it was D-Day..........

D-Day....The day I now remember as "Diagnosis Day".

It was 2 years ago today that My mother in law, my husband - and I were sitting in a room together with a developmental pediatrician.
I had a double ear infection and strep throat that day - but nothing was more painful than watching Alexis - and knowing that something was wrong.

Things had started to get strange with her in January of 2009. She went from a happy - aware - talking- walking little toddler - to a tantruming, silent, unaware toddler. She lost all her abilities within a 2 week period.

I was in complete denial about the whole thing -and I was angry with my husband for making us go through all this trouble. I just thought - "I know she was talking - she will start again. I know she was developing perfectly - she will snap out of this." Anger at my husband kept me from seeing what was happening in front of my eyes.

"I am going to go ahead and give her the diagnosis of PDD.NOS"

I thought to myself - well - its not autism - thank God!!

Even though the week before, I sat through Alexis' speech evaluation, and was told that she had speech and language of a 6 month year old (this was at 15 months of age).

I think a lot of parents do this - but we had this whole plan where we would do all the biomedical possible - and therapy - and have her cured by 3. We were so sure of it.

Even one year ago today - I was sure she would be totally normal by now.

May 5th of last year we got a new diagnosis "autism spectrum disorder".
I was so sure that he was going to downgrade her from PDD.NOS to "speech delay".
I was in so much denial STILL.

The time between last April and this April - has been full of thunderstorms.....but I would be digressing if I told you that there were no rainbows.

When she turned 3 - things got extra hard for me as her mom. She grew from a toddler to a child this year.
She went from looking not so different from her peers to obviously different.

For parents - to think that one day your child will be made fun of - and or looked at differently - stops your breath - and speeds your heart up so fast that you think it could quite possibly pop out of your chest at any moment.

Heartbreaking - is not a strong enough word.

Her birthday came - and I know that she knew it was a special day, but I know she didn't know it was her special day.

Thanksgiving came and went - We had a very stormy Christmas....thanks to my anger and resentment towards Autism. I just wanted her to wake up on Christmas morning like most children and be excited to open her presents.

Instead - all she wanted to do was spin the ribbons and bows that wrapped her presents.

And it was only after our IEP (special education school placement) experience this year - that I was able to come to a place of healthy acceptance.

We decided to become true advocates for Alexis - and fight hard to get her what she needs.

We have flown from the east coast to the west coast - from south to north - to find ways of helping Alexis.

I am working every day to balance acceptance with our desire to make Alexis better. Without that balance - I would probably have gone insane - lost my marriage - and more by now.

I am happy to say that all of our LOVE for her - and hard work is making a difference. She truly is growing and developing. It isn't the way we planned or expected it to be. It is slow - sometimes beautiful - sometimes painful.

One true thing - we love her - we are different people than we used to be - and a hell of a lot better for it.

Here is more about our story - and a way to help other families like ours.
Thanks for reading.
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/TACA/donate-to-help-families-with-autism-helping-famili