Tolerance…Transition and Truth….the 3 T’s of my life right now…
So – what the hell is tolerance and why do I need to have it?
Pretty loaded question – but I will have a shot at it.
A broad definition….. I need tolerance to handle transition and truth.
It started after the middle of July – and my daughter shot up at least an inch – possibly 2.
It started after the middle of July – when I realized she would be 3 in nearly four months – and she looked like a 3-1/2 or 4 year old.
It started after the middle of July – and I started crawling out of a rock with my child and starting going to McDonalds…or Chick-fil-a….or whatever playground or grocery store – and I started noticing children her age.
Moreover – they started noticing her. Their parents started noticing me and her.
Conversations get started between other moms and I. Meanwhile – my child tries to play in her normal way. Which is by herself – and not involving any other children.
It is hard to see these other children her age – and younger – saying “hi” – and my child running away – or ignoring them.
Then there is always “the look” from the parents. I guess “the look” is many things from many people – and I honestly don’t really know what it always means – or perhaps if I am imagining these “looks”.
Because I am self-centered – I always think the look means “What the hell is wrong with your kid. She is so rude – or is there something wrong with her?”.
Today – in fact – we were at the playground, and another mother walked right up to me and asked me how old my child was. (as her child scurried up to Alexis and said “hi! I fall down yesterday! Ouch!” – and Alexis ran the other way).
I told her “2”, and she was very excited. “My child is 2! She is soo tall, I always tell people, because I don’t want people to think that she is behind developmentally.”
Pause. Dear self. Don’t slap the woman – or go off on her. Just don’t say anything.
I didn’t.
And then after a few more interactions – I did. “Well – my child has a speech delay. She doesn’t talk.” Other mom: “Well – they all get there!”
I’m thinking – “Really - because we pay about $2,500 a month to ‘get her there’ – can you tell me how this happens?”
I say nothing. Matt comes to me and says….”You gotta start telling people the truth.”
I bite my tongue a lot – and I get my feelings hurt a lot. Even when I do tell the truth. When I do tell the truth I get reactions like people are scared of us – as if their kid might get it too.
I need tolerance to be there for my daughter. To realize that talking – and social interaction are her weaknesses, and it is my job to do what I can to help her build confidence – love her – and work with her.
I need tolerance for these other people, because – how the hell are they supposed to know she has autism?
She looks normal, and I am admittedly partial, but I think she is the prettiest kid around – with her long hair – and huge blue eyes. That little pouty mouth – and her crooked little smile. The way she gets too excited and grabs my arm really hard. I love every part of her.
How are they supposed to react – what is the right way?
This Transition is going to take a hell of a lot of tolerance. And there will be more transitions to come.
The only way I can deal with these transitions and kept it together – is going to be….truth.
I have to be honest with people. It takes courage – and again more tolerance (to deal with the reaction) to be so truthful.
But – it has to happen.
And tolerance doesn’t mean…”Oh – I am up here on level – whatever – and you are down there. I tolerate you.” Oh hell no. TO ME It means….”I understand you don’t have all the facts – or perhaps you don’t know what to say or how to react. Perhaps even that you are not spiritually so fit at the moment” - whatever….It is me not getting upset over them.
My new favorite quote right now is…..”If you are walking through hell…keep walking” – Winston Churchill.
I won’t let self pity – take me there or get me down – but I won’t lie and say this is easy = or that it is something different than it is.
The only thing I can do is “keep walking” – and pray that God give me the strength and the grace to walk tall and truthfully. Now – and into the next transition.
