Stickers on the window

Four years ago today - I had just finished putting up my Christmas tree - complete with lights and ornaments, deep cleaning my house with a toothbrush (well not really - but sort of) - and settling in for the night.

I remember waking up around 2am with this tightening in my stomach - and I knew - Alexis was coming for sure.

The promise of a new life - this little girl - she was going to change everything. I had no idea just how much her life was going to impact me, my plans - and my thoughts about the world.

She was born at 6:10pm - after a battle with an oxygen mask - and a certain anesthesiologist who didn't get into the room until 5:45 (I would still like to hunt him down and slap him across the face).

Matt & I had so many dreams - ideas & hopes for this new litle 7 pound person. I was so afraid that I was going to drop her - and when they finally sent us home - we were absolutely terrified.

Alexis was not an easy baby. She cried a lot. She didn't want to sleep. Alas - she was still hitting all of her milestones - and we wrote it off as a difficult baby....just one of those deals.

I remember so clearly hearing her first word - "doggie". We were at a rest stop in South Carolina - on a trip to see my Grandmother.
She was 10 months old, and she spotted a black lab across the parking lot. Her face lit up - she started clapping - and out came - "doggie!! doggie!!". Undoubtably - one of the cutest things I have ever seen (Though I may be biased).

Alexis continued to grow - talk - interact - laugh - play -etc. Until the day she stopped.
I was in a heap of denial that there could possibly be anything wrong with my perfect baby girl.

After a few months of fighting with Matt - I conceeded to have her checked for developmental delays. Over multiple appointments and evaluations - I heard the words that no parent ever wants to hear. "Your child has autism".

My world shattered - my heart broke - I couldn't believe it - I wouldn't believe it - and I certainly wouldn't accept it.

At 15 months old - she stopped talking. She didn't laugh - and she acted as if she didn't know me. How could she not know me? I am "Ma-Ma" - she had called me "Ma-Ma" when she turned 1. How could she not know I was in the room? Why didn't she want to hug me?

I turned to a life of addiction to blot out the pain I was feeling. I needed anxiety medication. I needed anti-deppressants - I needed sleep aids. I needed a stiff drink - a cigarette - something to take me out of my reality. I had to blot it out - my heart couldn't take it anymore.

There were and have been so many dark days before the light started to appear again.
So many days of hearing my child scream through countless hours of therapies. So many times of seeing hopeless looks in the eyes of her therapists.
So many days of me not wanting to wake up - not wanting to cry anymore - not wanting to see this little person suffer anymore - questioning my higher power.

I was carrying around so much anger.

When people tell me that I will look back on her early years and want them back - I want to say really awful things to them. I want to tell them that she hasn't had the life of a normal child - and I certainly don't know what it feels like to be a normal mom.

Things started getting better for Alexis when I started down the road of recovery.
When I put down all of the "mood stablizers" for good.  I started practicing yoga on a very regular basis, and most of all -  I developed a real spiritual relationship with my higher power.
 All of these things have slowly led me to a path of strength and acceptance.

I stopped expecting her to be anything like kids her age, and when I started trying my best to be a part of HER world, (and stopped forcing her to be a part of mine).........she started to notice me again.

First she started noticing me, and then she started being excited to see me. Just a smile from her - a laugh for no reason - it started becoming enough for me.

My little girl will be 4 tomorrow - and this is not the life I ever imagined we would live. I am happy to say - it is so much better than I thought it would be when she was first diagnosed.

Alexis loves going to school, and she loves playing on the playground. She has the speech and language of an 18 month old (and yes it still hurts - but not as much since I am learning how to feel my feelings) - but that is so much better than what she had 2-1/2 years ago.
She lights up when she sees her dad - and she gives us little hugs and kisses.

Last weekend - we were riding around town - like we do so much (she get's restless in the house)- and I noticed that she had put stickers all over the window of Matt's car.
Well - you know how men are with their cars.
I was a little terrified that he was going to be upset that she had ruined more of his car.

When I showed Matt the stickers - he got a huge grin on his face. "I am so happy that she is doing something like this!"
That was exactly how I felt. My little girl was just being a kid - and ruining her parent's car with her "artwork". Some of the most beautiful artwork I have ever seen.

For her birthday - we are not going to have a big party - we are not going to invite any kids (not this year anyway). We are going to take her to her favorite place - Monkey Joe's. She has been trying to break into the birthday rooms for a year now - and we are renting one out - just for her.

And instead of focusing on "what's wrong" with Alexis - I am just going to be thankful for her - her sweet little smile - her happy little laugh - the light that has come back on in her eyes - and the joy that she brings me for just being her.

She has truly taught me that life will probably never turn out the way I plan it - force it to be - or will it to be.   Life will go a lot more smoothly if I get out of my own way (and Alexis' way for that matter).

Happy Birthday little Alexis. You have forever changed my life - and so many lives around you.