Letting go of my expectations gracefully

Well - I had fully intended upon writing this blog before Alexis' surgery.

I am keeping my original title - because it still does hold true in my experience over the past week and a half.

It all started when 2 weeks ago (the day I was going to write this) - I decided to go to a Bikram class ( http://bikramyogadecatur.com ) at 6am - instead of my usual evening class.

Well - it was awful. I couldn't do any poses - my knees wouldn't lock - I was falling out of posture - plain old falling - and through the class you are really supposed to be able to LET GO of your last posture and move into the next with no expectations. I couldn't do it!!
Every day is different when you come to Bikram. You can leave feeling like a superstar - or you can leave feeling like you would like to stop at every McDonalds on the way home and then walk through a car wash. Seriously.

Not realizing that I was having trouble "letting go" - I went about my day and my business.

My daughter had surgery the next morning - AND my inlaws were coming in town that afternoon.
I EXPECTED that Alexis would sleep OK - as she did in previous nights. Unfortunately - she got up at 1am - screaming - and never went back to sleep.

Riding up the highway going 80 to a surgery for your daughter and blasting Children's Music to drown out screaming (that has been ongoing for 5 hours) - while you earnestly try not to cuss out or snap at your husband is not a good place to be.

We were pleased that the surgery went well - and exhausted - but she was in great spirits. I EXPECTED that this was because she immediately felt better. Actually it was because the laughing gas hadn't worn off yet. After her nap - the insanity began.

While she was sleeping - Matt went to get his parents.

My insanity began in my own head. "Is she OK? Is she ever going to be quiet? Do I need to go get some wine to calm down from this, because I am totally helpless here"

Luckily - I called someone who was able to guide me down the right path.....which was call Matt and be honest about where you are.

He rescued me - and I fell asleep at 7pm. It was awesome.

The week went on - Alexis was getting better by the day - but I wasn't.

My expectations of marriage - family - friendship - and loyalty all crumbled that week.

There were quarrels - crying - betrayal and hurt feelings all over the place....and none of them were coming from Alexis. She kept improving! It was all the ADULTS!!!!!!!!

A trusted friend of mine told me that sometimes God strips us down so that we can go buy a few nicer things for ourselves that fit better and aren't outdated (she knows how much I love shopping).
Well if that is true - I was in dire need of driving over to Lenox Mall and getting a whole new wardrobe immediately.

My expectations of a fun family week turned into dirt - and it turned into a week of self pity - anger - and frustration from all parties. No matter who was supposedly "causing" those feelings - I still had to take responsibility for mine and change them.

The only thing that gave me peace was my support system and those trusted people in my network of friends. I couldn't ask God for better people in mu life.

So......I think I grew a little closer to Bill this week than Jenny - but hopefully - the stregth I gained this week (if only by surviving) will help me help me balance both relationships!!!